Meet The Wife

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I'd like you to meet the wife. She's five foot eight, nine and a half stone and her vitalstastistix are an awesome 46DD-28-38 Not bad eh? She bangs like a shit house door, and she has three sisters as well. She considers herself an expert on all things sexual, so if any one out there is in need of any advice to keep the man/woman in their life happy, she's the person to talk to. You can e-mail her at: mailto:[email protected]

This letter is from a Mr Mike Hunt from Romford in Essex, England:

Dear Wife, I have a small sexual problem involving my wife. I just cannot shag her. I am eighty seven and she is twenty two with great big tits and an arse like a peach. Up to yesterday our sex life was very fulfilling, but after I went out to get a paper and some milk this morning, it has completely disappeared. I have thought about many of the possibilities, but I am still able to get aroused and I still arouse her. The only thing that I can think of is that because I'm so old, my memory is not what it used to be and I've forgotten where I fucking live. Please help.

Dear Mr Hunt, I really do sympathise with your problem. What I would do is to wait outside the local day care centre until you get kidnapped by the sadistic matron and get locked up in a pokey little room with only a senile, incontinent ex army major for company. You'll soon forget all about your lovelly wife and start thinking about ways of ending your own life. Don't worry about your wife. She's bound to find an attractive man whose hung like a donkey. After all, your life is nearly over and hers has just begun. After all. The only reason that a young, attractive woman would marry an old fart like yourself is for your money. If you really love her, forget about her and let her have your money. Then you can go to your grave knowing that you've made a young woman very happy. Yours sincerely.

Dear Wife, My name is Mable Serichy and I am a happily married wife. My breasts are abnormally large at 65GGG and recently I found a very large lump in one of them. There is no history of any diseases in my familly and I feel too embarassed to go to the doctor. Please help.

Dear Mrs Serichy, as you may have noticed, I too have extremelly large breasts. I don't think that there's anything to worry about though. It's probably just your husband whose fallen asleep under one of them. Let me know how you get on.

Here are some sex tips that may help some of you to help their partners reach the ultimate in sexual satisfaction:

Listen up, fellas. Cunnilingus requires you to think glacially -- constantly in motion but

advancing slowly. Your goal is to convey the idea that you're licking her because you find it

incredibly erotic, and that time has lost all meaning (drop all thoughts of getting her orgasm "out

of the way" -- it's not in the way).

To begin, work from her mouth to her nipples to her belly, covering as many square inches as

possible. Once you've camped between her thighs, start building a fire. Use your fingertips (cut

those nails) to spread her vaginal lips and expose her clitoris. Explore the sensitive folds of skin.

When she arches her back or moans, slide a finger or two inside her.

Play with her a bit, then extend the tip of your tongue to meet her clit. (Make sure your tongue

is wet -- lubrication and warmth are important.) Dart your tongue in and out. Press firmly. Lick

gently. Throw in some longer, flatter strokes over the length of her vagina, as if you were licking

an ice cream cone. Hum or moan to create vibration. Pull away so you're just inches from her,

as if contemplating what to do next.

Tell her how good she tastes, how much you like licking her, how you could stay therefor hours.

Draw her clit gently between your lips and flick it or massage it with your tongue. Stop. Lick.

The G-Spot is an area of nerve tissue located about halfway between the back of the pubic

bone and the tip of the cervix inside a woman's vagina. It was named for German physician

Ernst Graefenberg, who first wrote at length about the area in the 1940s. It is sometimes also

referred to as "the female prostate" or "the urethral sponge." Some

women report ejaculating a fluid from their urethra when their G-spot is stimulated.

In The Good Vibrations Guide: The G-Spot, Cathy Winks describes how a woman can find her

G-Spot: "You'll probably find it easier to try squatting, lying on your stomach or propping

yourself on your hands and knees. Reach your fingers an inch or two in from the vaginal

opening, and crook them toward the front wall of the vagina in a 'come hither' motion. The

G-spot is responsive to pressure, but not to light touch. If you brush lightly around the inside of

the vagina, you'll probably not feel anything. Instead, press firmly. Remember, the G-spot isn't

on the vagina wall; it's felt through the vaginal wall. As you explore the vaginal wall from the

pubic bone up toward the cervix, you should feel a slightly ridged area that begins to swell. You

may find it helpful to take your other hand and press down on the outside of your belly just

above the pubic hair line; sometimes you can feel the G spot area swelling between your two

More than any other factor, your ability to talk freely and honestly about sex is the key to a

passionate sex life,' says Dr Patricia Love, author of Hot Monogamy. Statistics back her up -

56 per cent of women who 'always' talk about sex rate their sex lives as very good. Only nine

per cent of women who 'never' talk about sex have enjoyable sex lives.

'Make the first move,' urges sex expert Anne Hooper. 'Many men don't expect women to want

to do anything other than be passive. The best way of overcoming this is to confront it openly

and turn the session into a version of, "Me, Jane; you, Tarzan."'

You're probably already doing the CAT (coital alignment technique) - there's been enough hype

about it over the past few years. If not, give it a go - it works like clockwork and is virtually

guaranteed to give you an orgasm. Man lies on top of woman and enters, lightly resting his

upper body on his elbows. He then shifts slightly forwards and upwards, so the base of his

penis is rubbing against the clitoris. No wild thrusting: simply keep yourselves firmly welded at

the hip and rock gently up and down to create short, rhythmic strokes.

'Don't feel you have to have sex to a formula or because your partner is obviously in the mood.

Listen to your body and have sex when you feel horny. Grab moments for sex when they arise,'

say Lonnie Barbach and David Geisinger, authors of Going The Distance (US only). 'If we

decide to delay sex until later, "later" somehow never comes.' Very true but, on the other

Schedule time for sex

If you never seem to have time for sex, put it in your diary. 'Reserving a one-hour block of

quality time once a week for sex could increase your satisfaction with your lovemaking more

than any other change you make,' says Dr Patricia Love. 'You don't have to use this time for

lovemaking if neither of you is in the mood - just think of it as an "opportunity" for sex.'

Find your stimulation spots

Simple shiatsu techniques can help to increase libido if you apply pressure in the right spots,

which are about 5cm above the pubic bone and about 5cm above the coccyx. Get him to press

gently but firmly, and to massage in a clockwise direction with fingers or thumbs.

I''d like my girlfriend to go bare down under. (I prefer it mostly bald, with

a little fuzz line down the center.) She is willing, but we''re not sure of the

best way to do this. Do you have any economical suggestions?

--Bonin'' for Baldie

No method of shaving your girlfriend's tender nether region is going to be

painless, but I can report that both you and your girl are going to have

some fun with everybody's new bald friend. Given variations in skin

sensitivity, the best methods are a matter of opinion and experience.

Some women swear by shaving, others love waxing. I know a few who

even say plucking hair-by-hair is the only way to go. As far as depilatory

foams or creams go (like Nair), you'd have to be a masochist to chemically

burn all the hair off your privates. Second to plucking, shaving is the

cheapest solution. For a smoother shave, trim her thatch as close as

possible with a pair of scissors or an electric beard trimmer. Next, have her

take a long, hot bath to give the remaining stubble a good soaking.

The water will saturate the hairs, making them less coarse and tough, and

therefore easier to remove with less irritation. Give Miss Kitty a little smear

of shaving cream. When you (or she) puts the razor to the love rug, shave

only once in each direction: first in the direction of hair growth, then

against it. If she doesn't get a smooth shave at first, allow her tender skin

to rest for a couple of days before trying again. Eventually her skin will

become used to being shaved and will be less irritated. You might want to

finish off with a little vitamin E oil to help soothe the area. She may want

to consider having her wool waxed, which is much more thorough, but

considerably more expensive. When it comes to waxing, do not try this at

home. Put your girlfriend in the knowledgeable hands of a trained

professional, especially the first time out. It takes less than 15 minutes,

and since the hair gets yanked out from the root, grow-back time is a lot

slower than shaving.

Furthermore, if she waxes regularly, the hair will eventually grow in thinner

and softer. And as for the pain factor, it''s a lot like ripping a band-aid off

quickly: The anticipated hurt is a lot worse than the actual sensation.

Whichever route you go, keep in mind that her skin is extra-sensitive right

around her period. Reserve first-time defuzzing rituals for a less tender

time. And a word of warning: Snuggling up to her stubbly nether regions

might feel like cuddling with George Clooney. The regrowth will be itchy for

her and scratchy for you.

If you're looking for a one-night stand, you can't beat a nymphomaniac,”

says Dr. Mary Andres, a clinical psychologist who specializes in sexuality

and addiction. OK, so without several months of test driving and costly

analysis, there's no surefire way to tell if a woman is certifiable. But here

are a few tips to help you zero in on likely candidates.

Sign #1: She''s a spotlight hog Look for signs of extremely extroverted

behavior. “If a woman starts dancing on a bar and whipping off her shirt,

this suggests she's pretty liberated,” says Cal State L.A. psychologist

Pamela Regan. “If she orders a drink like a Blow Job, with piles of whipped

cream, and then she goes down on it, you can tell she''s pretty wild.”

Work on reading people's sexual energy: “Next time you walk into a bar,”

suggests Andres, “ask yourself who puts out that vibe that says 'I'm

Sign #2: She pounces on you Be passive and you could still end up with a

nympho in your lap. “Nymphomaniacs chase after a particular type of

man,” swears Hannah, a recovering sex addict. “For me, whenever I saw a

guy in a suit, it would just set me off.” If your traits press her buttons,

she'll be disturbingly insatiable. “Sex was a drug for me,” Hannah says. “I

was always chasing that high and wanting to keep it.” Congrats; you're

Sign #3: She rubs you the right way “If a woman brushes against you with

her breasts, genitals, or clothing, these are good signs,” says Regan.

(Genitals?) If the room isn't crowded and she's still pressed up against

you, she's achin' for the takin' or she's trying to scratch an itch. Either

way, give the lady a hand.

Q: My husband-to-be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase

with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women,

your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy

him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention

this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The

man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess to other men. Far from

being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to

get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how

emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best

thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal,

and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,

so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue,

this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins

involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives,

buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't

mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a

spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a

great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to

perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for

a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him

a nice expensive present and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it,

do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to

video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To

ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook

him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he need rest. In

fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the

more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice

expensive present and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he

cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves

you. Return this love by buying him a nice expensive present, and cooking

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love

your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the

mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a

nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating

feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him

and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't

forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

I have discovered that guys who are giving in life are generally giving in

bed, and therefore make the best lovers. It reminds me of a classic line

from "Revenge of the Nerds". (I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but listen

up): After the Carradine nerd seduces the sexy sorority girl cheerleader

she says, "Are all nerds as good as you?" He replies, "Yes, because all

jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex."

Start giving it back

Here's one way to get on her good side:

Since you're perpetually devising ways to get her panties off, she'll be

both pleased and pleasantly surprised if you just let them be and instead

apply warm, juicy licks on top of her, hopefully, sexy Sunday best. Think


	GAGPANTS MAGAZINE \| home Welcome \| Gagpants Girl \| The Toilet Wall \| Gagpant's Unwelcome Guestbook \| Pic Of The Week \| Meet The Wife \| The Surgery \| Jokes \| Gagpants Video Club \| The Jukebox Meet The Wife I'd like you to meet the wife. She's five foot eight, nine and a half stone and her vitalstastistix are an awesome 46DD-28-38 Not bad eh? She bangs like a shit house door, and she has three sisters as well. She considers herself an expert on all things sexual, so if any one out there is in need of any advice to keep the man/woman in their life happy, she's the person to talk to. You can e-mail her at: mailto:[email protected] This letter is from a Mr Mike Hunt from Romford in Essex, England: Dear Wife, I have a small sexual problem involving my wife. I just cannot shag her. I am eighty seven and she is twenty two with great big tits and an arse like a peach. Up to yesterday our sex life was very fulfilling, but after I went out to get a paper and some milk this morning, it has completely disappeared. I have thought about many of the possibilities, but I am still able to get aroused and I still arouse her. The only thing that I can think of is that because I'm so old, my memory is not what it used to be and I've forgotten where I fucking live. Please help. Dear Mr Hunt, I really do sympathise with your problem. What I would do is to wait outside the local day care centre until you get kidnapped by the sadistic matron and get locked up in a pokey little room with only a senile, incontinent ex army major for company. You'll soon forget all about your lovelly wife and start thinking about ways of ending your own life. Don't worry about your wife. She's bound to find an attractive man whose hung like a donkey. After all, your life is nearly over and hers has just begun. After all. The only reason that a young, attractive woman would marry an old fart like yourself is for your money. If you really love her, forget about her and let her have your money. Then you can go to your grave knowing that you've made a young woman very happy. Yours sincerely. The Wife xxxx Dear Wife, My name is Mable Serichy and I am a happily married wife. My breasts are abnormally large at 65GGG and recently I found a very large lump in one of them. There is no history of any diseases in my familly and I feel too embarassed to go to the doctor. Please help. Dear Mrs Serichy, as you may have noticed, I too have extremelly large breasts. I don't think that there's anything to worry about though. It's probably just your husband whose fallen asleep under one of them. Let me know how you get on. The Wife xxxx Here are some sex tips that may help some of you to help their partners reach the ultimate in sexual satisfaction: Listen up, fellas. Cunnilingus requires you to think glacially -- constantly in motion but advancing slowly. Your goal is to convey the idea that you're licking her because you find it incredibly erotic, and that time has lost all meaning (drop all thoughts of getting her orgasm "out of the way" -- it's not in the way). To begin, work from her mouth to her nipples to her belly, covering as many square inches as possible. Once you've camped between her thighs, start building a fire. Use your fingertips (cut those nails) to spread her vaginal lips and expose her clitoris. Explore the sensitive folds of skin. When she arches her back or moans, slide a finger or two inside her. Play with her a bit, then extend the tip of your tongue to meet her clit. (Make sure your tongue is wet -- lubrication and warmth are important.) Dart your tongue in and out. Press firmly. Lick gently. Throw in some longer, flatter strokes over the length of her vagina, as if you were licking an ice cream cone. Hum or moan to create vibration. Pull away so you're just inches from her, as if contemplating what to do next. Tell her how good she tastes, how much you like licking her, how you could stay therefor hours. Draw her clit gently between your lips and flick it or massage it with your tongue. Stop. Lick. Kiss. Finger. The G-Spot is an area of nerve tissue located about halfway between the back of the pubic bone and the tip of the cervix inside a woman's vagina. It was named for German physician Ernst Graefenberg, who first wrote at length about the area in the 1940s. It is sometimes also referred to as "the female prostate" or "the urethral sponge." Some women report ejaculating a fluid from their urethra when their G-spot is stimulated. In The Good Vibrations Guide: The G-Spot, Cathy Winks describes how a woman can find her G-Spot: "You'll probably find it easier to try squatting, lying on your stomach or propping yourself on your hands and knees. Reach your fingers an inch or two in from the vaginal opening, and crook them toward the front wall of the vagina in a 'come hither' motion. The G-spot is responsive to pressure, but not to light touch. If you brush lightly around the inside of the vagina, you'll probably not feel anything. Instead, press firmly. Remember, the G-spot isn't on the vagina wall; it's felt through the vaginal wall. As you explore the vaginal wall from the pubic bone up toward the cervix, you should feel a slightly ridged area that begins to swell. You may find it helpful to take your other hand and press down on the outside of your belly just above the pubic hair line; sometimes you can feel the G spot area swelling between your two hands." More than any other factor, your ability to talk freely and honestly about sex is the key to a passionate sex life,' says Dr Patricia Love, author of Hot Monogamy. Statistics back her up - 56 per cent of women who 'always' talk about sex rate their sex lives as very good. Only nine per cent of women who 'never' talk about sex have enjoyable sex lives. Take the lead 'Make the first move,' urges sex expert Anne Hooper. 'Many men don't expect women to want to do anything other than be passive. The best way of overcoming this is to confront it openly and turn the session into a version of, "Me, Jane; you, Tarzan."' Do the CAT – Meow You're probably already doing the CAT (coital alignment technique) - there's been enough hype about it over the past few years. If not, give it a go - it works like clockwork and is virtually guaranteed to give you an orgasm. Man lies on top of woman and enters, lightly resting his upper body on his elbows. He then shifts slightly forwards and upwards, so the base of his penis is rubbing against the clitoris. No wild thrusting: simply keep yourselves firmly welded at the hip and rock gently up and down to create short, rhythmic strokes. Be spontaneous 'Don't feel you have to have sex to a formula or because your partner is obviously in the mood. Listen to your body and have sex when you feel horny. Grab moments for sex when they arise,' say Lonnie Barbach and David Geisinger, authors of Going The Distance (US only). 'If we decide to delay sex until later, "later" somehow never comes.' Very true but, on the other hand... Schedule time for sex If you never seem to have time for sex, put it in your diary. 'Reserving a one-hour block of quality time once a week for sex could increase your satisfaction with your lovemaking more than any other change you make,' says Dr Patricia Love. 'You don't have to use this time for lovemaking if neither of you is in the mood - just think of it as an "opportunity" for sex.' Find your stimulation spots Simple shiatsu techniques can help to increase libido if you apply pressure in the right spots, which are about 5cm above the pubic bone and about 5cm above the coccyx. Get him to press gently but firmly, and to massage in a clockwise direction with fingers or thumbs. I''d like my girlfriend to go bare down under. (I prefer it mostly bald, with a little fuzz line down the center.) She is willing, but we''re not sure of the best way to do this. Do you have any economical suggestions? --Bonin'' for Baldie No method of shaving your girlfriend's tender nether region is going to be painless, but I can report that both you and your girl are going to have some fun with everybody's new bald friend. Given variations in skin sensitivity, the best methods are a matter of opinion and experience. Some women swear by shaving, others love waxing. I know a few who even say plucking hair-by-hair is the only way to go. As far as depilatory foams or creams go (like Nair), you'd have to be a masochist to chemically burn all the hair off your privates. Second to plucking, shaving is the cheapest solution. For a smoother shave, trim her thatch as close as possible with a pair of scissors or an electric beard trimmer. Next, have her take a long, hot bath to give the remaining stubble a good soaking. The water will saturate the hairs, making them less coarse and tough, and therefore easier to remove with less irritation. Give Miss Kitty a little smear of shaving cream. When you (or she) puts the razor to the love rug, shave only once in each direction: first in the direction of hair growth, then against it. If she doesn't get a smooth shave at first, allow her tender skin to rest for a couple of days before trying again. Eventually her skin will become used to being shaved and will be less irritated. You might want to finish off with a little vitamin E oil to help soothe the area. She may want to consider having her wool waxed, which is much more thorough, but considerably more expensive. When it comes to waxing, do not try this at home. Put your girlfriend in the knowledgeable hands of a trained professional, especially the first time out. It takes less than 15 minutes, and since the hair gets yanked out from the root, grow-back time is a lot slower than shaving. Furthermore, if she waxes regularly, the hair will eventually grow in thinner and softer. And as for the pain factor, it''s a lot like ripping a band-aid off quickly: The anticipated hurt is a lot worse than the actual sensation. Whichever route you go, keep in mind that her skin is extra-sensitive right around her period. Reserve first-time defuzzing rituals for a less tender time. And a word of warning: Snuggling up to her stubbly nether regions might feel like cuddling with George Clooney. The regrowth will be itchy for her and scratchy for you. If you're looking for a one-night stand, you can't beat a nymphomaniac,” says Dr. Mary Andres, a clinical psychologist who specializes in sexuality and addiction. OK, so without several months of test driving and costly analysis, there's no surefire way to tell if a woman is certifiable. But here are a few tips to help you zero in on likely candidates. Sign #1: She''s a spotlight hog Look for signs of extremely extroverted behavior. “If a woman starts dancing on a bar and whipping off her shirt, this suggests she's pretty liberated,” says Cal State L.A. psychologist Pamela Regan. “If she orders a drink like a Blow Job, with piles of whipped cream, and then she goes down on it, you can tell she''s pretty wild.” Work on reading people's sexual energy: “Next time you walk into a bar,” suggests Andres, “ask yourself who puts out that vibe that says 'I'm fuckable.' ” Sign #2: She pounces on you Be passive and you could still end up with a nympho in your lap. “Nymphomaniacs chase after a particular type of man,” swears Hannah, a recovering sex addict. “For me, whenever I saw a guy in a suit, it would just set me off.” If your traits press her buttons, she'll be disturbingly insatiable. “Sex was a drug for me,” Hannah says. “I was always chasing that high and wanting to keep it.” Congrats; you're now her love fix. Sign #3: She rubs you the right way “If a woman brushes against you with her breasts, genitals, or clothing, these are good signs,” says Regan. (Genitals?) If the room isn't crowded and she's still pressed up against you, she's achin' for the takin' or she's trying to scratch an itch. Either way, give the lady a hand. Dear Dr. Ruth: Q: My husband-to-be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess to other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and myself. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice expensive present and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he need rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice expensive present and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him a nice expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal. Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day: 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.... And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. I have discovered that guys who are giving in life are generally giving in bed, and therefore make the best lovers. It reminds me of a classic line from "Revenge of the Nerds". (I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but listen up): After the Carradine nerd seduces the sexy sorority girl cheerleader she says, "Are all nerds as good as you?" He replies, "Yes, because all jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex." Start giving it back Here's one way to get on her good side: Since you're perpetually devising ways to get her panties off, she'll be both pleased and pleasantly surprised if you just let them be and instead apply warm, juicy licks on top of her, hopefully, sexy Sunday best. Think of those undies as a buffer against the male inborn tendency to pounce on her clit like a linebacker on a loose ball. Take heed: Women's genitals can't handle too much direct stimulation during the early stages of arousal. So before you dive-bomb, give her a good head start. She'll thank you for it later. Trust me.