Jokes

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Jokes

On this page you'll find a selection of our favourite jokes. Some are clean, but most are dirty. If you are offended by dirty jokes, please skip this page and move on to the next one. If you like this sort of thing, then prepare to laugh yourself to an orgasm.

A man was walking past a pub when he saw a sign in the window that read "Pianist urgently needed" He went into the pub, went up to the bar and said to the barman where's the fucking manager, cunt. The barman said I beg your pardon. The man replied where's the fucking manager cunt. The barman said there's no need for that sort of language. The man said just get him you little prick. The barman went to get the manager. The manager came out and the man said, are you the fucking manager, cunt? The manager relied, yes I am, don't speak to me like that. Fuck off said the man. What do you want? Asked the manager. The man said I want that pianist job. The manager said can you play? Can I fucking play, said the man. Of course I can fucking play. I'm the best fucking pianist you'll ever fucking meet. The manager said I think you'd better let me be the judge of that. Sit your arse down on that stool and let's see what you can do. The man sat down and started to play a beautifull tune. The manager said, that was brilliant. What's it called? The man replied, rip your knickers off you old slag and I'll fuck you up the arse. The manager said, that's a funny name for a song. The man replied, I wrote it myself. Let's hear you play something a little more up tempo, asked the manager. The man played a fantastic rock'n'roll tune. The manager said, I must admit, you are good. He thought for a few moments and said, Okay, I'll give you the job, but under two conditions. Firstly, you don't announce your songs, and the second, you don't have anything to do with the customers. Okay, said the man, I'll see you tonight. Later that night, the man came back, set up and started playing. After a while, the whole pub was heaving. People that were just walking by came in to hear him. A while later, the pub slag came up and sat next to him. She started rubbing the inside of his thigh. The man was getting very horny, but thought to himself, Shit, I can't say or do anything to the punters. I'll have to go into the shitter to spank my monkey. He got up and went into the toilet. He locked himself in one of he cubicles and started to bash his bishop. Suddenly, the manager came in. He said, fucking hurry up will you. People are starting to get pissed of out here. I won't be long. Replied the man. He quickly finished himself off and rushed back out to play his piano. After a couple of minutes, the old slapper came up to him again and said, excuse me mate, but do you know your flies are undone, your cock's hanging out and there's cum all over your shoes? Know it. Replied the man. I fucking wrote it!

A crop farmer wanted to get into the livestock business, so he went down to the local cattle market and bought ten sheep for fifty quid. When he got them home, he put them all in his field and rang up the local vet to find out how he could mate them. The vet said, first of all you have to find out if they are male or female. Just lift up their tails and have a look. You'll soon find out. The farmer ran downstairs, out into the field and looked under all their tails. Shit, he thought. Their all female. He raced back upstairs and told the vet. The vet said, you'll either have to take them to a stud farm, which could be quite pricy, or you'll have to impregnate them yourself. The farmer put the phone down and said to himself, I'm not paying to get them done, I'll do it myself. He went back out into the field, rounded up all the sheep into his truck and drove off down the quiet country lanes. When he got to a secluded spot, he got all th sheep out and proceeded to shag them all. When he was finished, he was absolutely knackered. He loaded them all back on the truck and drove them back to the farm and into the field. He got back on the blower to the vet and asked him how he could tell if they were pregnant or not. The vet said, If, when you wake up in the morning they are all laying down, they're pregnant. If they are standing up, then they're not. The man put the phone down and because he was so tired, went to bed. In the morning, he got up and threw open the curtains in anticipation. The sheep were all standing up. Shit. He said. So he went out into the field and loaded them all onto the back of his truck. He took them to the same place and did the same thing as the day before. This time though, he was really knackered afterwards. He drove them back, unloaded them and went straight to bed. In the morning, he got up and looked out of the window. Shit. He said. They're all fucking standing up again. I'll give it one more go otherwise I'll shoot the bloody lot. He went out into the field, loaded in the sheep and drove to the same place as the other times. He shagged all the sheep again, and was so tired driving home, that he nearly drove into a ditch. When he got back to the farm, he unloaded all the sheep and went to bed. In the morning, he was so tired, he couldn't move. He said to his wife, Do us a favour love, look out of the window and see what those fucking sheep are doing. His wife looked out of the window and said, Hmmm that's funny. What? Said the farmer. Are they laying down? No. Said his wife. Are they standing up? Asked the farmer. No. Replied his wife. Then what the fuck are they doing? Asked the farmer. His wife replied, Nine of them are in the back of your truck and the other one's in the front bibbing the horn

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams

across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he finally gets up the

courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she

agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy.

To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry,"

she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you

to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I

should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents

and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable

as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair

watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair,

pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over

her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends

her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in

his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is

plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into

disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready

for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man

completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done

something wrong?" "No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the

strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit

shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt,

pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then,

as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over

the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a

match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The man can't believe her casual response.

"Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and

Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him - I'm watching the match.'

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the

wife approaches her husband wearing the same sexy little negligee that

she wore on their wedding night.

She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?" He

looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore it the night we were

married."

She says, "Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby,

I`m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."

She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that`s it. That`s exactly what you

said. So, now it`s 50 years later, and I`m in the same negligee I wore that

night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again he looks at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission

accomplished."

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the

dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand

dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes,

and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to

be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new

stereo, VCR, and month`s supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things

for you. They`re my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her

original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply

and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken

your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together.

That`s how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave

long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest

breasts.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use certain phrases to

indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on

their sex life.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy

that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad

said and her mother responded telling her young child, "Tell your daddy

that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the

typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father the bad news.

A few days later the mom told her, "Tell daddy that he can type that

letter now."

The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the

father's response, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already

wrote the letter by hand."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for

several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just

talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sigh and

suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any

reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a

moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex,

saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the

man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a

sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Mary Lou goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her

vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation

a complete secret since she is very embarrassed and doesn't want anyone

to find out. The doctor agrees to abide by her wishes.

The day after the operation, Mary Lou wakes up and finds two floral

arrangements next to her on the nightstand beside the bed.

Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked

you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," said the doctor, "none of your friends were told about the

operation. The first floral arrangement from my nurse. She assisted me

with the operation, and since she had the procedure done herself, she just

wanted to brighten your day."

"And who is the second floral arrangement from?" Mary Lou asked.

"Oh," smiled the doctor, "that's from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He

just wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous

woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It

identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest circumference.

What's your name?

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Ray dies and finds himself before the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells him that he cannot

enter yet because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would

be to sleep with a dumb, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So, off he goes with this

woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead—with an

even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, Marcus replies “I cheated on my income

taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in

understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when

they see someone who looks like their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely

gorgeous woman.

Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him

how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women.

Russell replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the

best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls

over and murmurs to herself, “Damn income taxes!”

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread,

Is what you get when you give head.

Unpleasant as it tends to be,

Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,

You bothered reaching for his fly.

But it's too late, can't be a tease,

Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,

So open wide and shove it through,

Lick the tip then take it all.

Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl,

Slide up and down, use your tongue.

And feel the precum start to run,

Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,

So when the fuck's he gonna cum.

Just, when you can't take anymore,

You hear your lover's mighty roar.

And when he hits that real high note,

You feel it oozing down your throat.

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,

Okay already, that's enough.

Let's switch you say, before you gag,

And what revenge, you're on the rag.

A man was in a terrible car accident, and his "manhood" was

mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly

rushed to the hospital...

Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him

back his manhood and even better than before! "But," his doctor

said, "the insurance companies don't cover the surgery, since it is

considered cosmetic."

Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the

"small" version, $6,500.00 for the "medium," and $14,000.00 for the

"whopper."

The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis.

Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife

before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about

what actually would give her the most pleasure.

As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the

phone and explained all their options.

A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patient's room,

and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Doctor.

The man somberly answered, "She decided that she'd rather use all

of the money to remodel the kitchen!"

The Lone Ranger was truely in a jam. Three cattle rustlers had

ambushed him and decided to string up a noose in the nearest tree

and hang him. Just as they were about to do their filthy deed, the

Lone Ranger asked if he wasn't entitled to one last wish. The rustlers

mumbled among themselves and finally agreed to the last wish.

The Lone Ranger said he'd like to speak to his horse, Silver. Then he

whispered something in Silver's ear and the horse galloped off at

great speed. In a flash he was back with three prostitutes on his

back.

The rustlers couldn't resist the prospects of spending the night with

the ladies so they decided to postpone the hanging.

However, the next day they commenced to get on with the hanging.

Once more, the Lone Ranger asked if he could speak to his horse. He

whispered in Silver's ear and Silver galloped off and sure enough,

returned with three prostitutes on his back.

After another night with the girls, the rustlers decided they'd had

enough. So they slipped the noose around Ranger's neck and one

said, "I suppose you'll want to speak to your horse? Well, it won't do

you any good this time."

The Lone Ranger approached Silver. He said, "Listen, old buddy.

You've got to get it right this time. Read my lips. I said to come back

with the POSSE!"

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous

babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the

bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a

prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that

someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he

goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this

time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door,

and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid

cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me,

it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the

hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience

he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual

experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar,

waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately

approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks

out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that

building? with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth

it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves

with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints -

twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows

up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some

pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the

street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see

that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

One day Adam and Eve noticed God standing before them holding a bag.

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God

rummages around in the bag a moment. "Who wants to be able to pee

standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me!

Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more

work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would

help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have

it!"

"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God

rummages about a bit more in the bag.

"Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her

mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any

money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and

tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does! He then says, "Get on

your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go

ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with

both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it,

and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

These two lesbians walked into a bar One extremely pretty and one

extremely ugly.

The pretty one said to the ugly one "I get us a drink".

So she walked up to the bar and said to the bar-tender "Two jim beams

and coke"

The bartender got the drinks and said, "That's $10."

She said, "I don't have any money."

The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"

She replied, "I'll show you my tits."

He looked at her and replied, "O.K."

So she showed him her tits, then took the drinks back to the table.

The ugly one said,"How did you pay for those?"

The pretty one said, "I showed him my tits and he gave them to me for

free!"

The ugly one said, "I try that." So she walked up to the bartender and

said, "Two jim beams and coke please".

The bartender said, "That will be $10 please."

The ugly one turned around and said, "I don't have any money!"

The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"

She replied, "I will show you my tits"

He replied back, "You're ugly so your tits will be ugly!"

So the ugly one said, "O.K. then I will let you smell my friends pussy!"

The bartender replied, "What that one over there?" (pointing to the good

looking one) She said "Yeah."

The bartender said, "Sure!"

So the ugly one leaned over the bar and breathed in his face.